Body Image, published in Jan/Feb 2006 Southeast Magazine

Hey Girls, let’s do some math. Calculate the hours a day you spend agonizing over your appearance. Count all the time spent in front of any mirror, including sideways glances into window reflections and flipping down the visor in the car. Count the hours spent in conversation with girlfriends swapping diet or aging frustration. Don’t forget the time spent studying photos of yourself with disdain. Include the time spent poring over pictures in magazines, comparing your seemingly obvious flaws with the model’s airbrushed perfection. Add up all these hours wasted on worry about our outward appearance, then try to imagine what would happen if every woman channeled all that time and energy into something worthwhile like, say, world peace. Isn’t that what every Miss America contestant truly wants? What an unstoppable force we women would be! We could have the entire Middle East sitting down together for a barbecue by now!

It can’t be healthy to constantly be scrutinizing every aspect of our physical appearance. This stream of self criticism is such a waste of our time. Women have marvelous strengths-- emotion, compassion and our ability to communicate can have such a positive effect on those around us. Women accomplish miracles on a daily basis, caring, teaching, helping…countless lives are touched. Women are reaching out and up, proving that they are valuable and capable of excelling, and they still have a heart while doing it. Ladies, the way your thighs looked in last year’s vacation pictures is meaningless compared to all the good in your life. Yet we beat ourselves up because we think all that matters is on our outsides. Does a smaller dress size make you a better person on the inside?

It is extremely difficult to convince ourselves we have value when we are inundated with the opposite message. The world’s definition of a female having worth can be summed up in one word: Hot. If you’re hot, you have value-- and you have limitless opportunity. Model, sing, act; if you’re hot, talent is secondary. If you have extraordinary talents but do not fit the narrow media definition of “hot,” you seem destined to be invisible, unimportant and invaluable. It wears down the female spirit. We want to be noticed and feel special. It may feel like no one ever acknowledges the contributions we make to society because they’re too busy talking about Paris Hilton for…well…whatever it is she does.

In our constant self scrutiny, we never seem to come out on top, according to the skeletal starlet standard. Here’s a little secret…unless you plan on spending the rest of your life in a geriatric home for the morbidly obese, there will always be some one younger and skinnier than you. It’s a fact. Even the Olsen twins will have to face that cruel reality. Yet the images that surround us make us feel like we aren’t trying hard enough to achieve this impossible goal. It is a discouraging, losing battle.

According to everything we watch and read, it’s all about being sexy. Our beauty-obsessed culture does not allow for times when it’s acceptable NOT to be sexy What’s wrong with being cute? Or how about classy and sophisticated? Or maybe nonconformist? Or just plain old natural, girl next door? We feel pressured to look sexy all the time. Sure, I don’t want to be seen at the grocery store in a fuzzy bathrobe and curlers in my hair, but do I have to look sexy when I go? Can’t I just look fresh and happy and put together? Is that enough? And if I see the one neighborhood desperate housewife who does look sexy at the grocery store, should I drag myself home with my tail between my legs because now I feel like a beast? No, she can do whatever she needs to do. What works for me is my hair done, my make up on, and wearing flattering clothes. Spike heels and cleavage in the cereal aisle just don’t work for me.

No, we shouldn’t all go burn our push up bras. Women should do everything they can to look and feel attractive, stylish, well groomed, healthy, strong, energetic and radiant. We do take great care with our appearance. We work out, color our hair, buy great clothes, and wear sunscreen to prevent those dreaded wrinkles! Becoming older (which is currently happening to everyone) does not mean we abandon our looks, but we are free to cultivate our own style. We become comfortable with who we are and we don’t feel pressured to imitate the trend du jour.

But at some point in our lives, we need to let go of trying to be “hot,” at least the media image of being hot. Let’s say we all did transform into the fashion magazine definition of beauty. Would it really change your life in the way you wanted? If we all had 18 inch blonde hair extensions, and were young, thin, and tan, with smooth symmetrical faces and perfectly round and perky breasts, how would anyone tell us apart? We wouldn’t feel noticed or special then, because there would be no individuality. Along with our wonderful personality traits, let’s embrace our beauty in variety.

Let’s stop comparing ourselves to celebrities and others who make a career out of being hot. We should stop ranking ourselves below all the hot women we see. Let’s unite, not compete. Next time you see some one so gorgeous you want to spit at her, smile to yourself and be happy for her. Then be happy for you. That other person is totally different: different age, different gene pool, different talents and abilities. There is no need to walk away from an encounter with another beautiful woman feeling dejected because you could never look like THAT. You aren’t supposed to look like that! You are supposed to look like you. Keep smiling for who you are.

It will take a lot of internal conversations with yourself to change this mindset. It may be a little pep talk you have to have with yourself every day the rest of your life. But for our mental health, it is important that we stop obsessing that we do not look like some one else we perceive as beautiful. We need to develop the skill of compartmentalizing our appearance worries. If we can learn to dismiss irrational thoughts of comparison and dwell on our internal good and external individuality, we can use our fabulous female abilities to go out and change the world! Create your own terrific appearance with elements that work for you , then forget about all the hot people and go get busy creating world peace, or whatever your destiny may be!