“Snowbirds”
The first time I heard that word, and almost all other times since, it has been snorted in disgust.
I may not be an AZ native, but I have survived 17 summers here, so I think that counts for some sort of bragging rights, or maybe membership in the “It’s a dry heat” club. I was here on that record breaking 122 degree day, sitting in the coolest room in my house right under the air conditioning vent. I am enough of a local to state my opinion about snowbirds.
My first experience with snowbirds was my first day in Arizona, oh so many years ago. My brother took me to see saguaro cactus--quite a spectacle for anyone from the panhandle of Texas. He challenged me to check out license plates on cars to see how many different states I could count. I thought, “Hey, this is just like the game we used to play when we were kids, killing time in the back of the station wagon on family cross country trips… but why mention that game while driving on Main Street in Apache Junction in November?”
After about 2 minutes of looking out the window, I knew exactly why he asked. I saw every state north of Kansas and a few Canadian provinces as well. In complete amazement, I questioned my brother, “What is the meaning of this --have I died and gone to license plate game heaven?” He uttered only one word in reply …“snowbirds“.
So what are snowbirds and why is the word usually used in a derogatory sense? I’m not sure there’s an official definition. Maybe the state legislature ought to look into that. After all, they did create an official state neckwear (the bola tie). They could sign a declaration to replace the cactus wren with a new state bird-- the snow bird.
Anyway, a few of the stereotypical generalizations I’ve learned about snowbirds are: They’re old. Well, old enough to be retired and thus able to leave the wind chill factors of their home states behind. Their favorite pastime is to call friends back home who are shoveling snow and gloat, “I‘m on the ninth hole and I’m in short sleeves right now, short sleeves!”
They use their leisure time wisely, volunteering at schools, elections, churches, and more. They’re pretty noble that way, giving back to the world. They are crazy about their grandkids, but some have a not- in- my -backyard attitude about children living in their adults- only communities.
When driving, this unique species usually travels in pairs, in a sensible 4 door sedan, with the 2 males in front, the 2 females in back. Other driving habits include driving with the blinker permanently on and going slow. Very slow.
Their feeding habits involve going to restaurants early, before 6pm, either to beat the crowds or beat the acid reflux before bedtime. The females of the species gather at frilly lunch places wearing red hats and purple dresses. The snowbirds are a thrifty bunch, always venturing out armed with coupons.
The state education department would classify them as emerging technology learners, but most have mastered enough email skills to correspond with their grown children across the country. Businesses like snowbirds, hanging large welcome signs each fall. When all the handicapped parking spaces at Wal-Mart are full, the snowbirds are back!
Unofficially, that’s who they are, but why are they scorned? Because the rest of us are jealous. We have 2 seasons here, hot and not hot. We full time residents are forced to tough it out through the oven-like summers. We wear that badge of honor proudly. But snowbirds get the best part of the year without having to endure the worst. Snowbirds haven’t earned our weather- related respect--when the going gets tough, they retreat to the north. Inside, we cry, “It‘s not fair!” They get the best of both worlds--nice cool summers fishing on a wooded lake in Wisconsin and deliciously perfect winter days on the golf course in Arizona.
Deep down, we are secretly envious that they have beat the system, and we haven’t yet. We are still subject to the seasons. So we boast about how morally superior we are because we stick it out through the summer when those wimps vanished long before the first 100 degree day .
Admit it, if your boss offered you an extended assignment in Alaska during August, wouldn’t you jump at the chance? The only reason we don’t leave is cause we can’t. We’re still slaving away, toiling at jobs the snowbirds used to do when we were in diapers. We can only dream of being at the point in our lives when the rat race is over. They can kick back--they‘re retired, the kids are raised. Perhaps someday, like the snowbirds, we will be able to say to our kids, “See? I told you one day you’d grow up and have a kid just like you. Now I’ll spoil your children rotten and send them home to you for their post-grandma-indulgence behavioral detox.”
No, we’re not there yet, but maybe some day, if we work really hard and are extra good girls and boys, we can grow up to be snowbirds too. Then we’ll be smart enough to get the heck out of here when the heat hits.
Fortunately, I am a few years away from hot flashes and my subscription to AARP magazine. I‘m OK with that. Although, I do wonder what our generation will be like when we arrive at that stage of life. With tomorrow’s snowbirds, I don’t think we’ll see blue hair and plaid Bermuda shorts; in fact, I think all gray hair will cease to exist. We’ll fight old age fiercely, nothing graceful or dignified about it. No one will have glasses with all that new fangled lasik surgery. We’ll have botox and collagen, microdermabrasion and super white teeth, and some will still even have perky silicone breasts sticking out from the rest of their saggy skin. Ugh, I don’t even want to think what everyone’s tattoos will look like on 75 year old skin!
What kind of snowbirds will we be? If we lived in Leisure World would we volunteer, or just watch reality TV all day? Would we take up causes, or be apathetic? Would we shut our garage door behind us and never get to know our neighbors? Or would we sit on the back porch facing the community walking path so we can greet friends and strangers? Who knows, we might even go nuts and buy a Winnebago to drive around the country. We could have friends at every KOA campground from here to Saskatchewan.
Our world will consist of U2 and Nirvana playing on the golden oldies station. Former extreme sport enthusiasts will compete in the rocking chair half pipe. Dudes, we may even be drinking Red Bull so we can stay awake long enough to make it to the senior discount showing at the movies. Hearing aids will look like white ipod earbuds. We will complain about our health woes in our blogs.
We will shop til we drop, or until our Jimmy Choos give us unsightly corns. No red hats for us, we’ll wear our hair in the always classic 90s Rachel do. The metrosexual senior men will no longer wear black socks with sandals. We will all be wearing up -to -the -minute fashions from Gap for Seniors. Instead of living off a carefully planned retirement fund, we’ll still be paying off credit cards we had to max out in 06 to pay for $3.00 a gallon gas! We’ll still be driving our SUVs, only the blinkers will be continuously flashing as we go 25 in a 45mph zone.
And I’m sure the younger generation will look at us and roll their eyes and utter with disgust, “Snowbirds!”
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